is my marriage fixable?

Submitted by OCDDiary Thu 11/03/2011

After lots of therapy and lots of work, my severe ocd is now hardly noticeable. I have been growing a lot the last 6 months, learning about myself and adjusting. the problem is that my ocd being gone seems to be ruining my relationship. I am 26, and have been married 2 years to a man i have been with a total of 7 years. I have just learned that he is an ACOA (adult child of alcoholic) and it seems that with me not having the need to be taken care of, he is at a loss. Our dynamic is so different as he was the care-taker, which is no longer what i want. We were unknowingly codependent, but I am learning to love myself, not just my relationship, but he is having a hard time and his self esteem is zero. He is just realizing now that he has issues, but is still in a bit of denial. I pushed for therapy, but he says he is not ready.

Also, I have not been attracted to him in months. Our relationship has been open for 3 years "open" so he was free to sleep with other people, but I was terribly hurt to find out that he slept with a girl last week. I was hurt that he chose to do this at a time when our relationship is in such a state of ambivalence. We dont even know how to be around each other; that spark is gone because our old relationship is gone. I want to go out and have fun, but he is so introverted. That worked before, but now i dont want to be that way. He says he is an introvert when im not around, but with me there, he feels to guilty to leave or have fun.

Can we start over and rebuild or are these issues not fixable, at least while we are together? I wonder if we can help each other work through this, or if we will simply enable each other.

Thank you for any insight.

Hi OCDDiary, You're really

Submitted by Dr. Lane on Wed, 11/09/2011 - 4:43am.

Hi OCDDiary,

You're really asking a question that's impossible for anyone to answer but you and your husband. Only the two of you can decide if it's "fixable" - because if two people really love each other and are committed to working on the issues, that's 90% of the battle. That doesn't, however, mean it will be easy or a short term process.

That being said, it sounds like your marriage has some serious issues, and it also sounds like you have a good grasp on how your personal growth has impacted the dynamics that were (at least on the surface) working for the two of you for a long time. If one person in a codependent relationship makes significant changes, it really rocks the boat.

As for the "open" part of your relationship - don't you think it's unfair for you to be hurt by him sleeping with someone if you've both agreed to an open relationship? (Btw, I personally don't think open marriages work very well - jealousy and hurt almost always occur at some point - just as you're now experiencing.) Are you perhaps putting unrealistic expectations on your husband, expecting him to just "know" when it's okay to sleep with someone else and when it's not? If the "rules" aren't clear or they keep changing, that doesn't bode well for either of you.

Both you and your husband need to sit down and talk about the issues in your marriage - the change in dynamics now that you've essentially overcome your OCD, the "open" issue, your expectations, what he wants, what you want, etc.

Can you start over? Possibly - but you both have to want to. Can you help each other work through this? I've no idea because I just have a snippet of information. I suspect you'll be inclined to enable each other, as you mentioned.

I think your best bet is to decide first if you both are willing and want to work on the marriage. If so, then find an experience therapist who specializes in (or who is at least very experienced with) couple's therapy. Unless you're both committed, therapy will probably not help.

I hope this helps and I wish you and your husband the best!

—

Dr. Lane